Wednesday, 1 June 2011

The Line Up

Well I'm back with my rambling thoughts on love and sport. Recently many of you good people have pointed out to me- Cormac, when the fuck do you go on these dates that you talk about? And to that I say, "Clean up your language Mister, you've got a bad attitude."

But yes, it is rare that I would actually subject myself to the horrors of actually going on a date, as I am as useless at chatting with women as Man Utd are at facing Barcelona in a European Cup Final. And, as I have said previously, the bloody things are anathema to most Irish men, and well, the fact that my social misadventures do not lend themselves to me meeting many women.

You see lately my idea of a night out is going to the front bar of the Roost as early as is possible, drinking as much Guinness as is humanly possible (I think six is the world record), and then stumbling home, alone. For those of you who might not know of the joys of the front bar of the Roost in Maynooth, it is one of those wonderful establishments where there is always a fire going and you can sit down and talk as much shit as you want to the oul fella next to you at the bar without the fear of an actual woman even entering the premises. And if you have no idea about what shite you're talking, all the better.Plus Reeling In the Years is always on the telly.

As wonderful as this is, it does preclude me from meeting many women and thus my lack of dates. But on a few rare occasions I do manage to stumble into one of those godforsaken pubs or nightclubs that actually encourage women onto their premises. 
In these places, it appears that some men in fact go out to try and score women, and not spend their nights arguing about how many All-Ireland football titles Dublin have actually won (it's only five). No, these cads and bounders actually go out of their way to chat up women. But they don't all do it the same way. Oh no. Funnily enough in fact, there are almost as many different techniques that men use to snare a woman as there are positions on a GAA team! 
So here is my line-out, and mark my words, next time you're out and you cast a beady, drunk eye around the nightclub at these brave souls, you will reflect that, you know what....maybe I should go to the bar for another drink.

GOALKEEPER;The lone wolf of the team, he has no problem heading off on his own, leaving the team-mates behind and is known to face down teams of attackers/ hen parties single-handedly. They say you have to be mad to be a goalkeeper, but you have to be a bit creepy as well to do what he does.

CORNER-BACK; This lad likes to mark his target early in proceedings and will shadow them for the rest of the night. Not adverse to the dark arts of wandering across to the easy target, getting them hammered drunk and making sure they leave before the final whistle.

FULL BACK; Happy to settle on the edge of the square/dance-floor and will gleefully accept any marker, no matter the size.Not known for dancing feet.

HALF-BACK; Classier than the corner back, can be good at going forward but sometimes doesn't like to stray too far from safety. Often hangs back waiting to clean up any breaking ball. Usually seen close to the more confident midfielder at the bar.

MIDFIELDER; Like any good man in the middle on the pitch, this lad lets the action come to him. The whole package, not necessarily always the biggest man, but generally knows exactly what the situation requires everytime.Handy to have at the bar too.

HALF FORWARD; The forager, this man will clean up any breaks that are going, even those dropped by midfield. Usually spotted in the dying minutes of the night, ready to pounce when others are tiring and their guard is down. Supermacs equals extra-time for this man.

CENTRE HALF FORWARD; The class act. Doesn't generally need to go looking for the loose ball, slick and savvy, knows when to score and is a great help to his team-mates. Will often be seen covering the star performer on the opposition team.

CORNER FORWARD; Puts in a lot of groundwork, and is generally a key help to his team-mates, but unfortunately doesn't always get on the score-sheet himself. Always the first to get hauled off if there is a sign of trouble anywhere i.e. any messing and the small man is the first out the door. On the good days though can rack up some serious scores.

FULL FORWARD; The Jaeger"Bomber" generally has a good eye for scoring and regularly trots out the mantra that "every hole is a goal". Often playing through the pain-barrier with "injuries". And yes, these injuries are contagious.

P.S. Before you ask which position best describes my seduction techniques....its probably the SUBSTITUTE; Good in training but can't transfer it onto the pitch when it matters!


  1. As always Mr O'Malley excellent!

  2. cormac that was actually quite funny. the rest of them were shit though. see you soon for pints. daly

  3. super stuff!!! ya funny little fucker ya!!!!!!!!!

  4. I think u'd get beaten in a 9 vs 15 match to be honest! Now u better be updating this shit constantly and more sport man!!!!!!!
    Plus there's always one or two auld ones in front bar depending on ur full forwardness of a mood!