Tuesday, 24 January 2012

A coaching role

I know my posts are as few and fair between as an Andy Carroll goal (pause for laughter), but since I was last with ye I had the horrific experience of turning 29.

Now at the time I didn't notice any difference but from hanging around with college people who think 23 is pushing on, apparently all hope is lost for me. Allied to this was a Christmas spent at home with friends and family asking sympathetically was I still single. When I explained I was, they ruefully shook their heads and quietly patted me on the shoulder.

So having clearly past my sell by date without realising, I am retiring to the shelf, or wherever it is, to mind puppies. Before I do that though I would like to, as some sort of romance coach, offer my advice to all you young people on avoiding the mistakes I have made in the past, thus saving ye from the apparent untold horrors of being nearly 30 and single.

DO NOT break up with a gorgeous girl with the excuse, "The World Cup is on, and I won't have much time for you in the next month." With Euro 2012 coming up this year heed this warning lads.

DO NOT ask a girl was her hair a different colour the last time you seen her, when it clearly wasn't. Thats just simple science. You're just an idiot if you do.

DO NOT say no and continue to sleep on the couch when a girl asks you do you want to sleep in the single bed beside her, just because you want her to think you're a nice guy. You're not a nice guy. You're an idiot.

DO NOT watch 12, ( TWELVE ) episodes of Friends with a girl. She did not invite you over to the house and cuddle up beside you on the couch just to see what Chandler, Joey and the rest of the gang were up to. Equally DO NOT eventually try and kiss as she is just about to fall asleep. It's your own fault she fell asleep.

DO NOT headbutt a girl in bed. Many years ago I was mad about a girl and eventually one drunken night we ended up her place. One thing led to another and as we were about to kiss, I, in my exuberance, moved forward too quickly and headbutted her knocking the girl out of the bed. She laughed, I cried, nothing ever happened.

DO NOT ask a girl does she "come here much?". I did. I'm embarrassed for me.

Yep, these are a few instances of why I'm currently very single, and believe me there are many more, so take these nuggets of wisdom and everyone should be ok!


  1. You are truly a god amongst mere mortals....ish

  2. Know your pain! Nothing worse than having to tell smug married ones that Im still single!